Wednesday, October 20, 2010

That sinking feeling...

It started to creep into me as soon as I had got what I wanted. That mean thought that told me things won't always be this good, that they can't be- that the plans I drew in my head and smiled at in the morning each day won't be carried out to perfection. I think that's when it first started. Except... if that was the case, why did I feel so surprised when it became reality? I guess I over-estimated the strength of my optimism. I can never be sure.

All I know is that I was alive. And I was living with all the other six billion people and plants and animals and words and ideas and buildings and things and screens. But now it's just me. Or just them. The point is we're not together. I walk around feeling like a stranger in a strange place with strange people saying strange words and doing strange actions.

I surprise myself sometimes. I had no idea how important it was to me. Had I really built my life upon it? It didn't seem so to me, but if I hadn't...why do I feel like my building blocks have fallen?

Have I lost hope? I haven't. But is it worth all this mental stress? Am I wasting time?

2 comments:

  1. interesting post. I kind get that feeling sometimes then i just go pray or work out so i dont start freaking out..lol.

    are u ok though?

    Wardina is a malaysian actress turned hijabi turned mother/wife/homemakeer.. I'm not malay but i heard about her and looked her up.

    love
    anya

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