Friday, September 7, 2012

On brotherly love

It had never happened before. His mind being somewhere he was not. The sun's rays shone brightly through the large classroom windows, throwing a golden glow on his smooth, eight-year-old face. Creasing up his eyes, he tried to concentrate on the blackboard before him, tried pushing away the thought of her, but she kept coming back with a presence even stronger. Digested peanut butter and jelly sandwiches squirmed in his tummy. He brought his chair closer, feeling his heart's rapid pounding against the desk's hard edge. Gripped his pencil firmly- staring at the way his dark fingertips turned white under pressure. The numbers on his book were swimming.

What was she doing now? Had she managed to play star again- commanding her new class's attention with her wild hair and even wilder laugh? Or was she staying low profile- checking everybody out undetected from a silent corner? Sick with worry, he turned the page shakily, struggling to make out Miss Beadle's vague commands through the drone of voices that seemed to come from so far away.

He had done okay on his first day. But that was him. He had stood up in front of everybody and recited the essay he'd prepared on the best and worst cars on the road. Practised it a week before school started and everyone had been so impressed. In fact, it might have been an ideal first day of school if it wasn't for the big guy...  A shudder ran through him. Shaking his head to bring himself back, he stared at the hands of his watch. The one his dad gave him for his birthday, blue with Spiderman hiding behind the numbers. He eyed them meaningfully, willing them to go faster.

The bell rang and he ran like he'd never before. Left his stuff lying around and they could do whatever they want for all he cared. He pushed away chairs, desks and children. 'Scusee....scuuseeee' he murmured as he darted through student-infested corridors, his heart beating in his legs. A minute later, he skidded to a halt before her class, stopping to catch breath and peer inside.

His sister and first friend. Sitting down at her desk with her lunch box, delicately nibbling her apple slices through furtive looks around her. And he laughed and laughed. Whether out of relief or amusement, he didn't know. Still guffawing, he walked over and held his very confused sister to himself.



8 comments:

  1. D'awwww. Awww.

    AWWWW.

    I'm sorry, that's the only thing coming to mind. I don't have brothers myself, but I've seen this kind of protective love on my cousins and their sisters. It's just soooo SWEET.

    In fact, now I dislike this piece, just a little, because I really want a brother now xD

    Awesome stuff. I wouldn't call myself a professionaly fictional writer, and even from my... unprofessional experience, I can't summon up much critique. It's lovely ♥

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    Replies
    1. Thank you... I want a brother too :(

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  2. MashAllah, really good stuff! I know writing fiction is harder than one thinks. God knows I tried and I've sucked.

    Because you asked constructive critique, I'll give it to you. First off, I'm not much of a writer, but more of a reader.

    The first paragraph seemed urm.. a lil too common. The writing is beautiful no doubt, but it just seems like how everybody starts a short story. Search for a different starting technique.

    As apparent the title is, while reading, I got the feeling the story's about the non-brotherly love- until I reached the last paragraph, LOL. That's a good surprise element.
    The second last paragraph is a lil Twilght-esqe. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

    I love the attention and observation to the small details in the story.
    "Gripped his pencil firmly- staring at the way his dark fingertips turned white under pressure." That's talent!

    All the best :)

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    Replies
    1. Anything Twilight-esqe can't be good :| These are all really valid points to bring up. Thank you so much!

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  3. That's a great attempt at previously uncharted territory!
    The best thing is the real-life sequence you maintained so that one begins to feel like the little guy himself.
    The title is suitable too, and the happy ending is WOW!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, I'm pleased you enjoyed it.

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  4. it's great Jnana! you'll improve along the time. Keep writing! :)

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